The Pixwit's Miracle Challenge
Do a miracle, and the Pixwit will give you $1,000,000! The Pixwit would love to see one, and that's what he'll pay for the privilege.* So why not? After all, the Lord Jesus Christ Himself said you can do 'em, if you really believe in Him (John 14:12-14). All you need to do is perform just one of the same miracles Jesus did: walking on water, turning water into wine, multiplying the fishes and loaves, etc. Or, if you prefer, you're welcome to do something even more spectacular. Here's Jesus in the Good Book saying you can do anything He did and even more (John 14:12-14):
"Verily, verily I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father. And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If ye shall ask anything in my name, I will do it."**
So here's the deal, and it couldn't be simpler: You do a miracle, and the Pixwit gives you $1,000,000. BUT, if you don't do the miracle, then you forfeit the $1,000,000 that you've put up saying you could do it (since both the Pixwit and you will have to put $1,000,000*** in escrow with a reputable financial institution). You see, the Pixwit doesn't want to be bothered by charlatans. But that should be no problem for you, now should it? According to Jesus above, miracles should be like a dime a dozen with you believers. Right? I mean, look at what He said. "Anything!" ****
Now the only details remaining to be settled are just what exactly constitutes a miracle and how you can prove that you have done one. Okay, a miracle is any remarkable act that cannot be explained by natural means. In other words, something supernatural. Simple enough? To make the verification process less susceptible to fraud or misinterpretation, the Pixwit must insist that only things subject to investigation by the so-called hard sciences, like physics and chemistry, can be considered. Sorry, but medical science and psychology are just not hard enough to satisfy the Pixwit (no pun intended). The Pixwit has no doubt that things like supernatural healings and exorcisms just plain don't happen in the real world, but because the vagaries of the mind and body are even farther from fully understood than most other things, there is just too much wiggle room in the biological and psychological disciplines for charlatans to thrive (actually, the Pixwit even has to wonder about some of the hard-nosed scientists, considering that Uri Geller once had some of them believing he actually bent sliverware with his brain waves or whatever). So, if you want the Pixwit's money, you're gonna have to do your walking on water, changing water into wine, or whatever else, under controlled scientific conditions, namely in a lab with the smocked, ogling guys and their hard, cold instruments all around you. In short, you're gonna have to do whatever miraculous thing you choose in such an obvious way (you know, the way Jesus did them) that those scientists will admit that you must indeed have performed a miracle. But to paraphrase "anything-in-my-name" Jesus above, that should be no problemo, now should it?
Some of you are saying wait just one minute here, Pixwit. Isn't this "tempting God," calling on Him to do some frivolous miracle just to satisfy the Pixwit's sordid curiosity? Well wait just one minute yourself! You're missing the whole point! The Pixwit is perfectly willing to go along with Jesus' program (you know, not that Bible-thumping, evangelizing stuff, but what Jesus was really supposed to be all about). You see, the Pixwit will agree that, if for some unfathonable reason you cannot perform a miracle and have to forfeit that $1,000,000 you put up, then the Pixwit will give every red cent of it to the poor! After all, the Pixwit's secular-humanist ethics prevent him from benefiting monetarily from the folly of the gullible or stupid. And, of course, if you win the $1,000,000 by doing a mircale, then you can do something just as pleasing to God with the money. So tempting God? How can God lose? It's a win-win propostition for the Almighty.
But, Pixwit, you ask, how can you be so sure of yourself? How do you know someone won't come along and do a miracle and take your money? Well, let's just say the Pixwit has faith . . . more faith than some.
* Any kind of miracle, sacred or profane, will do. The Pixwit is an equal-opportunity miracle enabler. So if you are not a faith-based wonder worker, but can still do supernatural things, don't be bashful, just step right up. The Pixwit does not discriminate against the irreligious.
** What is it about being able to do "whatsoever" and "anything" that you don't understand? No, you need not bother sharing your creative interpretation of Jesus' plain and simple language with the Pixwit. The Pixwit understands your position perfectly well: Some Bible verses are to be taken literally, some not so much.*****
*** Say what? $1,000,000 is too rich for your tastes? Fine, the Pixwit will do the deal for any lesser amount you choose (down to a minimum of, say, $100,000, because those prying scientist types don't come cheap). Don't say the Pixwit doesn't aim to please.
**** Please forgive the Pixwit. He dwells in a born-again Christian milieu (namely 21st Century America) and sometimes he forgets there are many other faiths and persuasions perfectly willing and able to take his money. Of course, his miracle offer is open to all of them, without exception. So come on all you Deepak Chopra and Maharishi types. Your miracles are every bit as good as the next in the Pixwit's book. Whatcha waiting for? A simple levitation will do (under controlled scientific conditions). What's with you guys anyway, only wanting to show off your powers to those who already believe in them?
***** It's true the Bible says things like men shouldn't lie with other men. But it also says things like you shouldn't eat crab or shrimp, or even touch pork, or wear clothes made from two different fibers. It also says things like adulterers should be put to death, and if a man lies with a beast, both he and the beast should be put to death, and if your wife turns out not to be a virgin when you marry her, then stone her to death on her daddy's doorstep. Now I know Jesus is supposed to have come to supercede the Old Testament, but what kinda God (read primitive, jealous tribal deity?) woulda come up with those old laws anyway? Then again there are other New Testament verses (not just the ones from John's Gospel above) that actually say you can do miracles if you believe. The point is, how do you decide which silly Bible verses are all important (damn those gays to hell!) and which are totally not applicable (hey, me likey the shrimp)? Maybe you Bible believers need to thiNk sometimes. After all, Jesus never said anything about morons inheriting the Earth.
