True believers, win (or lose) $1,000,000!
The Pixwit's "Put Up or Shut Up" End-Times Challenge
(For Real! You can bet your Bible on it! Please.)
Yes, such is the Pixwit's faith that he is inspired to bet $1,000,000 (U.S.) that neither the Rapture nor the Second Coming of Jesus Christ will happen within the next three years . . . or for that matter, all the rest of eternity, but we've got to be practical and draw the line somewhere, and the frenzied, throbbing way you guys have been talking lately, three years should be ample time to prove you right. But, if your eschatological calculations or biblical interpretations or apocalyptic heebie-jeebies are a bit amiss, the Pixwit will be glad to give you even more time (see conditions below). So how could you possibly lose?
Any of the Evangelical Greats are encouraged to step up and take the Pixwit's easy money. Come on Hagee, Dobson, Robertson, Falwell, LaHaye, Bush, or any other who can afford to put up that kind of cash (everyone knows that's chicken feed compared to what you guys are raking in). What are you anyway, Christians or businessmen?
What with all those signs of the End Times abounding now, you guys know for a fact those biblically prophesied events are right around the bend, coming at us fast and furious. Lord knows, you've been ranting about them enough lately. So why not take that fool Pixwit's money? Why not an End Times windfall? So what if you're personally raptured up and won't be around to spend the loot? The Pixwit will be glad to pay out to any left-behind lackey of your choosing (and it shouldn't be very hard at all to find a lawyer or banker who is guaranteed not to rapture to hold the money). Just think of all the soul-saving good that money could do during the upcoming Tribulation, even as your own personal treasures in heaven mount accordingly. Hallelujah!
So come on, all ye good and faithful servants. Take heed of the investment advice of your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Himself and double your money (Matthew 25:13-46), lest your Master be displeased. Heck, even the Pixwit is always on the lookout for a sure way to double his money, and the Pixwit's the kind of guy who'll put his money where his mouth is. It would be a sin not to take advantage of a sure thing. And it's not gambling when it's a certainty, when it's right there plain as day in the Word of God itself (and Lord knows, you guys know how to read it, not to mention memorize it ad nauseam). So put your money where your faith is — or is it just your mouth? Be a grand, glowing beacon to those of little faith, or none at all. Prove to the world the Pixwit's full of it and you're not.
Conditions: If that three-year window isn't quite wide enough for you, fine. You can have 5 years, 10 years, or even longer. Fair enough? But to insure you're not just holding out (and toying with the Pixwit) for the not-so-inevitable, you will have to pay the Pixwit 10% interest per annum on the $1,000,000 for each additional year. BUT, if you win the bet, the Pixwit will give you all your interest back plus the $1,000,000. Wow! How could you possibly lose? I mean how far is the Pixwit gonna have to bent over backward to get some of that evangelical-donation action?
By the way, either the Rapture or the Second Coming must take place verifiably in the real world in order for the Pixwit to pay out. Sorry, but things happening in "spiritual reality" and only discernible to "believers" cannot be taken seriously by the Pixwit or any other rational being. And if Jesus does come back, only instead of that coming-in-the-clouds-with-power-and-glory thing he decides to hide out in some cave somewhere just waiting for the right instant to reveal Himself, you're gonna have to find and produce Him before the Pixwit forks over the loot . . . and Lord knows, President Bush has certainly shown how hard it is to find some religious guy hiding in a cave!
Disclaimer (don't say the Pixwit didn't tell you): "Then they will see the Son of Man coming in clouds with power and glory. Then he will send out his angels, and will gather together his chosen ones from the four winds, from the ends of the earth to the ends of the sky . . . Most certainly I say unto you, this generation will not pass away until all these things happen." (Mark 13:26-30) Spoken by Jesus Himself, two thousand years ago, to the people of His generation. Go figure!
